Xiamen Wintercamp 2013

A friend of mine that I just met on the Wintercamp asked me once, "What's the greatest moment that had ever happened in your life?" We were lying in the middle of a field around midnight on Christmas Day with 10 degrees wind howling around us, eyes on the sky and we were pretty much pretending we were stargazing (because there were no star to see in such a polluted sky).

Well, if someone ever asked me what's the greatest moment that had ever happened in my life, it would be when I lie in a middle of a field, draped in thick furry clothes (because I won't definitely be surviving a 10 degrees wind without one) with my friend, drinking beer, screaming and laughing loudly at a nearby couple who's been kissing passionately and followed by a random game of truth or dare that didn't really get us anywhere but a talk about 'dragons' and malaysian kiss.

Thing is, nothing hurts more than goodbye. Knowing each other for only a week didn't feel enough (heck, even if it lasted for a month it would never be enough probably). 

I was frustrated at first. Everybody talks in Mandarin and I am pretty much a retard in that matter. I spend 90 minutes listening to gibberish in a class and that feel really horrible. I'm talkative. Talking is a hobby (heck, it's a specialty). Not being able to talk is such an excruciating punishment. Yet in the end, i'm so glad and happy that i was able to converse with such wonderful people. 

The last couple of days were hard. The idea of coming back to my ordinary life is not something I deem not exciting every time it struck my stupid brain (truth be told, the only thing that I miss from home is my dog. That and my laptop. God, i miss my laptop). 

I admit that I cry. Sometimes it feels rather stupid after I think about it again. Something in my head says like, "Dude, you're crying for someone you only know for a week?" Even that same something says that writing this is stupid also. 

But then again it's the little thing that strikes hard. 

How I see everybody's face for the last time (so if you made a stupid face back then, I will probably remember you with that same expression for the rest of your life. HAHA)

How the song The Prayer and Time to Say Goodbye didn't really mean the same anymore. (it will forever screams Sam)

How I keep singing Dui Mian De Nv Hai Kan Guo Lai over and over again at home. 

How I print the music sheet of All of Me and try to learn it once I got home (my brain keeps on saying something like, "Beat Yongxuan" and then I went like, "Dude, that's impossible")

How I won't remember Titanic scene with the original face of Jack and Rose again. (i start to imagine it with the face of Yongxuan and Leeseng)

How (stupidly and weirdly) the name 'Handsome' stuck to a certain someone. (yeah, Handsome-oppa, that's you)

How 'dragon' starts to mean more than just dragon

How Pontianak becomes a place I desperately want to go to

How the word 'Kuai Tian' (I don't know if I write it right) became something that I would gladly laugh upon. 

How Swag becomes something that screams Xinxin (she's such an awesome girl)

How someone keeps calling me Tjie Tjie, Tjie Tjie.

How a three hour bus ride became something so enjoyable, filled with talks about handsome guy, korean rap, Eminem and a karaoke.

How I got two little brothers that I'm dying to kiss (you guys never let me TT_TT)
How the word 'modus' becomes something that leaves my mouth so frequently for the last couple of days.

But nothing strikes more than changing back the time on your watch as you landed back in your hometown. Everything comes back to me at that moment and I was reminded that meeting my dear friend again would be something close to impossible. 

God, i'm so emotional, am i not? (laugh ironically)

I had so many things going on in my head but there's this one word that's screaming to be said.

Thank you. 

Thank you for meeting me.

Thank you for letting me to know you all.

Thank you for being a part of the life of someone called Stephanie Tanus, a little idiotic girl who wear beats, blue snapback, who likes to sing and rap loudly (stupidly too, don't forget), and of course, that one girl who can't speak a single Chinese at all.

(stupidly enough, i'm the only one who's looking to the camera on the last pic)

- ST

Love comes as easy

Love comes as easy as a broken leg. It comes as easy as closing your eyes and suddenly woke up to find yourself lying on the cold asphalt road with a broken thigh.

Love comes as easy as a pair of shoes. One that squeak every time you walk out of the bathroom.

Love comes as easy as knees touching and shoulders grazing. It comes as easy as touching your kneecap and having everything combusts.

Love comes as easy as a basket of cucumber and aubergine (and the thought that reside behind it)

Love comes as easy as watching your performance on the front row.

Love comes as easy as a yellow post it.

Love comes as easy as a red Ferrari 458.

Love comes as easy as sitting on a bed, holding yourself not to puke in front of your two best friends in the school infirmary. 

Love comes as easy as a bowl of spaghetti carbonara, a rosti, a slice of chicken cordon blue, couple of drinks, a cheesecake and a creme brule.

Love comes as easy as being a little nosy brat that you are and keep calling your favorite cousin on your first day of school.

Love comes as easy as a first kiss under the tree.

Love comes as easy as spinning your pen.

Love comes as easy as each strand of your hair.

Love comes as easy as riding your bicycle at 5 p.m., stopping only to see a shooting star.

Love comes as easy as exchanging gazes in the church from afar.

Love comes as easy as lying on your balcony, looking at the ceiling for a whole week while your other friends have enrolled into their own schools.

Love comes as easy as a red hair, green eyes and a huge grin.

Love comes as easy as buying your friend a brandy while he buys you a pack of cigarette in return. The ring on your finger feels heavier when you do so.

Love comes as easy as a bowl of noodles, a game of cards and a race to the beach with your family every September.

Love comes as easy as every barks that welcome you each time you open the door. 

Love comes as easy as syringe marks, white hair, scars and unrequited love.
Love comes as easy as every tweet before the geography or history test.
Love comes as easy as 36 students in a blue t-shirt, singing some weird cover of Uptown Girl.
Love comes as easy as 37 students cramped in a hot classroom, shouting at those outside to shut the hell up.
Love comes as easy as every Thursday.

Love comes as easy as every recess in front of the classroom.

EXO fanfic recomendation

EXO fanfic recommendation. More like, me trying to remember which fic that got me crying so hard and left me with unbearable feelings inside that I want you all to suffer as I do. 

Updated every time I found something interesting.

+.-.+

Kai - D.O.

Anterograde Tomorrow

Rating: R (currently pg-13)
Length: three-shot (Prologue/3)

Genre: Romance, Tragedy, slight!angst

Summary: Kyungsoo is stuck in the hours while Jongin begs the seconds, because time stops for someone who can't remember and runs from someone who can't miss the last train home.

note : the one that got me crying for 30 minutes. for an angst, this is perfection

Arbitrage

Rating: nc-17
Length: 22,000 words

Genre: angst

Summary: There are three tracks to Do Kyungsoo's life. Track A, trader at an investment bank. Track B, new recruit of a race crew called EXO. Track C... track C involves someone named Kai and a whole lot of bad decisions.

note : the one that got me thinking so hard but was so good that i keep reading it over and over again. like real good.

Suho - Chen

Seasons Come and Go (But I Will Never Change)

Rating: pg-13

Length: oneshot, wc 2,126

Genre: romance

Summary: Wait for me.

A Succession Of Kings

Rating: PG-13
Word count: 42,150
Warnings: References to offscreen bullying and homophobia.
Summary: This is the story of Kim Junmyeon, the Crown Prince of Korea, and his dreams of Paris.

note : the one with lots of Junmyeon's and Jongdae's feel

Never Let Me Go

Rating: PG mentions of death

Length: 3.5k

Genre: angst, tragedy

Summary: Everyone Suho touches dies within 24 hours.

note : the one with the real good ending

Other Pairings

The Touchline

Pairing: Suho - Luhan

Rating: R

Length: 75,000

Warnings: homophobia, hazing, mentions of past violence/bullying and past emotional abuse.

Summary : Luhan is afraid of heights, among other things

note : the one with a real inside of homophobia that it made this fic really realistic

Don't Go

Pairing: Joonmyun/Baekhyun (broken!Jongin/Joonmyun)

Rating: PG-13

Words: 77K

Genre: Romance, General, slight angst.

Summary: Every beginning comes from an end.

note : the one with the really awesome personality of a Baekhyun

Multiple Pairings

Lead Me On

Pairings: Kris/Chanyeol, Sehun/Lu Han, Kai/D.O., Baekhyun/Tao, Suho/Chen

Rating: R

Length: 2621

Warnings: Slight homophobic themes, general unhappiness, noncon sexual situations

note : the one with the very beautiful writing

Office Antics

Pairing: Chanyeol/Baekhyun, Kai/D.O., Sehun/Luhan, 

Rating: PG-13

Length: Multiple chapters

Summary [office!au] Twelve guys and one software startup. Baekhyun’s that new guy, Chanyeol's the guy who falls for the new guy, Kyungsoo  has pedo problems, Junmyeon's the oblivious CEO, Kris is the cutthroat CFO, Yixing’s out to get more vacation time, Tao’s a receptionist (sorta), Minseok is a closeted romantic, Jongin’s the intern that actually does stuff, Sehun’s the intern that doesn’t, and Luhan and Jongdae just like messing around.
note : the one that got me laughing so hard  

Simfoni Tengah Malam Para Tetangga Sebelah

Lewat tengah malam dan aku mendengar mereka bercakap-cakap di luar. Suara mereka dan derap langkah lalu lalang terdengar. Padahal bentuk rupa pun tak punya. Bagaimana mungkin bisa punya langkah kaki?

Ababil benar mereka semua. Satu titik mereka tertawa dengan sopran tinggi memekik yang buat pekak telinga. Berikutnya ganti mereka menangis. Dan selalu yang dara yang buat tarik perhatian. Sekali-kali bolehlah yang kaum adam ganti tarik suara.

Simfoni itu terdengar berulang kali. Waktu tamasya mereka ke dunia yang hidup. Anggapannya bak tetangga sebelah dari Australia datang ke Bali. 

Layaknya penumpang gelap. Karena kedatangan mereka tak pernah diinginkan. Melanggar sudah mereka batas kekuasaan saya. Padahal sudah saya buat kesepakatan dengan sang pemilik dunia lain sana. "Tamasya cuma malam Jumat Kliwon. Selainnya saya tak terima karena saya mau tidur nyenyak."

Tapi tetap saja dilanggar dan toh itu buat muak juga. 

Pesta kembali dimeriahkan dengan yang berkoak di atas. Seakan ia berkata "pemilik rumah ini akan meregang nyawa esok". Binasa saja kau wahai burung hitam. Tak indahnya juga nyanyianmu. Sama saja seperti yang di luar sana.

Aku muak dengan kalian semua. Cepatlah berlalu wahai jam tiga. Dan biarlah yang menyingsing esok hari sirnakan najis kalian. Besok pastor datang membawa air. Visa kalian sudah kadalursa katanya. Saatnya deportasi.

Pengkhianatan

Aku sudah mencintai kamu dengan sepenuh hati. Aku telah mengabdikan jiwaku demi kamu. Jari-jariku yang menjamah halusnya kulitmu perlahan. Segala sentuhan yang jatuh atas dirimu wahai belahan jiwaku yang rapuh. Aku perlakukan kamu bak kaca. Ya, karena kamu rapuh sepertinya. Tak pernah sekali pun aku berusaha jahati engkau. Aku mencoba menaklukkanmu. Kamu kekasih jiwaku.

Namun kenapa tiap perjumpaan kamu mencoreng hatiku? Kenapa tiap sentuhanku kau balas dengan caci makian. Kau balas cinta suciku dengan jelaga hitam. Seluruh jiwaku kau hancurkan hanya dengan satu dua langkah. Dan lantas aku pun teriak tiap kalinya. 

Kau hanya tak tahu berapa banyak aku membenci diriku sendiri tiap kau begitu. Apakah yang salah duhai cintaku? Tak cukupkah aku memberikan segala diriku untukmu? Sekali saja. Sekali ini saja aku berharap padamu.

Baik-baiklah kepadaku.

((Di suatu malam yang suntuk, ketika frustasi menghadapi mistar))

When She Was

When she was one she learned what life is. It was bright and beautiful and it was all that matters.

When she was two she learned what family is. It was warm and cozy and she wouldn't trade it with anything else.

When she was three she learned what friend is. They were strange at first but she learned to laugh with them.

When she was four she learned what school is. 

When she was five she learned what music is. It made her heart went fuzzy and made her body turned around and around.

When she was six she learned what glasses is. She was introduced to a new companion that would accompany her for the rest of her life. It never left her face ever since.

When she was seven she learned what the world is. She fulfilled one of her biggest dream and there laid her photos in front of the Great Wall of China on top of her desk. 

When she was eight she learned what mockery is. She spent her days chasing those who made fun of her. 

When she was nine she learned what love is. She could never forget what being kicked on the leg feels like. She would also never forget what it really meant.

When she was ten she learned what best friend is. They fought and they hurt each other badly. Yet here they were years later laughing about it. 

When she was eleven she learned what home is. It was the place where she felt warm. She was never alone.

When she was twelve she learned what story is. She was introduced to a new world. She vowed never to abandoned it for the rest of her life.

When she was thirteen she learned what fake is. She was fake and deep down she was not okay. She saw the world was cruel and those around her were fake. She found solace in her stories and there she was sitting under the table, alone.

When she was fourteen she learned what responsibility mean. She loved it and she always tried her best to hearten those around her. All she ever wanted to do was help and there she was running with her small laptop tugged on her arm.

When she was fifteen she learned what pain is. 

When she was sixteen she learned what death is. There she was hanging in her closet with her eyes wide open and tongue sticking out. 

..

..

..

..

((No, she's not dead. I just want to make it sound cliche))

Sang Penari

Alkisah malam itu ia kembali menari. 

Sang gadis pendiam yang tak ubahnya seorang bisu. Mungil dan kecil. Hanya satu dua kali mencicit 'ya' dan 'tidak'. Oh, semua kenal gadis itu. Yang kalau duduk ada di ujung sana. Aku pun tahu. Namun di saat yang sama aku juga tak tahu. Tahu nama. Tahu siapa. Cuma itu.

Pada malam bisu tak ada yang menduga ia menari. Kakinya bernyanyi dengan tiap perjumpaan dengan lantai dansa. Kekasih yang bergandeng tangan dengannya mahir gemilang. Mengangkat tubuh mungil tersebut ke atas langit malam. Aku mau menangis melihatnya menari. 

Yang lain hanya menggeleng-geleng kepala.

"Kau sebut ini apa?"

"Aku muak melihatnya."

"Duduklah kembali ke sudut sana dan berhenti mempermalukan dirimu sendiri."

"Cinta, malangnya nasibmu. Tak tahukah kamu kita siap tertawa?"

Lantas aku heran. Mengapa yang seindah itu bisa dicemooh sedemikian rupa. 

Aku berdiri. Dengan nyala api di mata dan mulut berbusa, aku berkata-kata.

"Kalian yang bodoh nian. Butakah kalian semua? Aku sebut ini tarian dan tak ada yang seindah ini. Lihatlah kedua kaki jenjangnya, mencipta gambar di muka lantai. Aku tak bilang ini menari. Aku mau katakan bahwa ini dekat dengan terbang. Tak bisakah kalian merasakannya? Atau aku yang bodoh karena berbicara dengan monyet yang tak tahu nilai estetika."

Aku malah dibalas dengan tatapan bingung. Heran aku dengan mereka semua. Mungkin benar mereka bodoh. Mereka perlahan berdiri kemudian menatapaku dengan rasa iba. Seakan akulah sang gadis mereka menepuk pundakku. Ganti air mata yang mengalir di tiap-tiap wajah. Aku dikelilingi oleh mereka dengan alis terangkat.

"Kamu tidak apa?" aku malah ditanya begitu. Aku disuguhi minum, ditepuk ratusan kali di bahu. Diberi kata "tenang" dan "tabah" ribuan kali. Barulah mereka mendorong kursi, mengangkatku ke atas ranjang dan menidurkanku di kamar.

Malamnya aku bermimpi lagi akan sang gadis. Kusaksikan lagi keindahan yang terlahir dari dirinya. Seakan tarian itu adalah dirinya. Indah adalah segala yang mengalir dalam dirinya. Malam itu aku turut menari bersamanya. Menempel bak bayangan. Aku penggemarnya sekarang. Aku mau jadi dia. Aku beri apa pun untuk jadi dia. 

Esoknya ia kembali jadi yang duduk di sudut. Kembali jadi sang gadis pendiam yang tak ubahnya seorang bisu. Mungil dan kecil. Hanya satu dua kali mencicit 'ya' dan 'tidak'. Oh, semua kenal gadis itu. Yang kalau duduk ada di ujung sana. Aku pun tahu. Namun di saat yang sama aku juga tak tahu. Tahu nama. Tahu siapa. Cuma itu.

Kemudian kali ini gadis lain berbicara di luar kamar. Aku tak sengaja mendengarnya dari dalam. 

"Aku kasihan dengan gadis itu. Kalau mobilnya tak ditabrak truk molen kemarin dulu sampai penyok mungkin ia masih bisa pakai sepatu. Sekarang kerjanya setiap hari hanya duduk di sudut. Hanya satu dua kali mencicit 'ya' dan 'tidak'. Oh, semua kenal gadis itu."

30 Day Writing Meme - Day 11

It's been a year since I last wrote about this 30 Day Writing Meme thing and I do sure have a real problem over something called 'finishing your story'. Yes, as you can guess, none of my story is finished now. The good thing is how I've managed to recreate Skye from scratch and it now has a better language and story. It turned into something Steampunk! Imagine that. Steampunk.

So 30 Day Writing Meme is something I've found in here. I made this with my friend and it's time (after a whole year, yes, i know) to continue and FINISH IT.

(Heck, this will be the only thing I could finish)

11. Who is your favorite character to write? Least favorite?

Oh, I really love this one. A great start.

Okay, my favorite character to write. It's definitely Reagen. Definitely, unequivocally and beyond any doubt, Reagen. I've written about him years ago. And yes, I still in love with him. His name still echoed in my head, though not in the exact frequency as it used to be years ago. But I still has this weird connection. He's so reachable. He's so easy for me to connect to.

So, a little background. Reagen has a rough childhood. He doesn't know who his father is and his mother kept on torturing him and his little sister. By some sort of way and I am certainly not telling you what that is, he killed his mother and his precious little sister that he loved so much. He lives his life in misery, thinking that he's a monster and everybody would hate him. And how could I relate to such thing? No, my parents don't torture me and I don't even have a little sister.

The thing is, in the story, Reagen grows up to be someone I called a liar. He put on this particular smile, a mask, that hide his true nature. That smile hides his sorrow and sadness and everybody loved him. That is where I could relate to him. In 7th grade and the beginning of 8th grade, I am him. I keep this smile that I think is not sincere. I just moved from my old house and things were different.

Then something happened in both Reagen's life and mine. In the story everybody hated him and knew what sort of a monster he was. That happened in my life as well, when everybody knew how much of a horrible person I am. Writing is my solitude. I kept on writing, most of it about Reagen and that's why I could relate to him so much. He was so real because I put my soul into him. When I write, I put a little bit of something within me into the character. Reagen is by far, the most alive of all. He is my greatest creation.

I really love him that this obsession turned into something really weird. Well, I would definitely named my son 'Reagen'. The name itself came from a book of babies' names. I just randomly pick it up, not knowing that he would be my favorite character of all. One thing that I remember clearly about Reagen is his weak smile. Not his mask, but this one particular smile that seemed weak. Something that you would give to someone in a good bye, or to encourage someone who'll lose in the end. That is how I always picture him. Sad and broken. He's always haunting me when I'm down.

I know a hell lot about him. It's not about how tall he is and what he like or what he doesn't like, but it's about how he would react to certain things. And I certainly know what would Reagen do in certain condition. Don't get me wrong, but he's not me entirely.

For the least, I don't know. I never truly hated my character. Maybe it's just those cameos that I quickly come up with without any real personality. That is just a name, not a character.

14/07/2013

((Pada suatu hari minggu))

kemudian pada suatu ketika domba tersebut kembali ke rumah

Kataku dan Dia

Di suatu malam ketika dua jiwa bernama Aku dan Dia saling bersua. 

Dia   : "Jarak memisahkan kita."
Aku : "Tapi hati kita selalu bersatu, bukan? Aku dimaafkan, bukan?"
Dia   : "Ya, kita selalu bersatu. Aku tak perlu memaafkanmu. Karena kamu tak berbuat suatu kesalahan padaku cinta."
Aku : "Tapi aku selalu merasa. Selalu takut. Rasa ini tak lebih karena cinta. Karena aku terlalu mencintaimu."
Dia   : "Janganlah engkau merasa takut duhai cintaku. Ketahuilah aku akan selalu bersamamu."
Aku : "Kupegang katamu. Ketika kaki ini melangkah dan keraguan mulai menyusup, aku akan ingat kata yang jarimu tarikan itu."
Dia   : "Tak perlu lagi kau pegang kata-kataku. Tetapi cintakulah. Peganglah itu."

(Percakapan ini nyata terjadi di sebuah facebook messenger pada tanggal 19 Juni 2013)

Pernyataan Cinta Tengah Malam

ini bukan tengah malam, tapi anggap saja tengan malam.

dan satu hal yang pasti. saya sudah kehabisan kata-kata.

rasa-rasanya harga diri saya sudah berakhir di lubang WC sana.

*bergelung di pojokan sambil meratapi nasib*

Nyanyian Untuk Para Sampah

Terkadang tak ingin aku menyebut kalian sampah karena kalian pantas mendapatkan yang lebih rendah dari itu. Jika ada yang terbawah itulah kalian. Jika ada yang ternajis itulah kalian.

Inilah susahnya jika sampah diberi mulut dan kemampuan bicara karena yang terlontar hanyalah kotoran binatang. Apalagi jika yang menjadi sampah itu merasa diri berderajat. Maaf saja. Untuk berada di alas sepatu pun aku tak sudi. Untuk menatapmu pun aku merasa najis.

Marilah kuelu-elukan kalian dengan kata-kata pujian ini. Yang kurangkai sedemikian rupa untuk kalian para sampah. Oh tiap hari kuhabiskan waktu mendengar omong kosong kalian. Menunggu saat ketika bisa menampar wajah satu per satu. Dengan bibir berteriak, "Sadarkah kalian?!"

Rasa-rasanya itu terlalu baik. Karena jika dipikir-pikir lagi, menyentuh kalian pun aku merasa diri hina. Ya, ya, kuludahi saja kalian di wajah. Kukibaskan debu di hadapan dan kubalik punggungku. Sayangnya kalian tak akan mengerti maksud perkataanku. Apa yang kiranya bisa kau harapkan dari sampah? Yang hanya bisa bercuap-cuap. Dengan kurva bibir tertekuk dan tatapan kosong. Ku tak ragu menyamakan kalian dengan para idiot.

Sok tahu. Dan masih ada yang berani menyebut diri di atas. Senyumku terkembang dan besar hatiku. Pastilah hujaman kata ini jadi perasaan nikmat di ulu hati. Injakan kakiku di atas liang kuburmu. Aku akan menari dengan riang. Menabuh rebana untuk tiap eranganmu. Tertawa untuk tiap ratapanmu. Gelak tawaku akan jadi yang kau dengar, seiring tiap pisau menyayat tubuh.

Jika aku diberi kesempatan, tanpa ragu kuukir tiap rasa sakit di tubuhmu. Kupahat dengan amat sempurna di atas kulit. Hingga orang lain bisa melihat, "Aku sampah yang tak tahu diri. Aku tak ubahnya tuhan dan semua orang harus tahu itu." Aku ingin menelanjangimu. Mempermalukanmu adalah harapanku. Menyiksamu adalah cita-citaku. Kebahagiaanku adalah penderitaanmu.

Wahai sampah yang tak tahu diri dengarlah nyanyianku. Dengarlah pujianku untuk kalian, angkatan rendah tak berotak. Untuk kalian, para kubangan lumpur. Tak berpendirian. Kalian para dewa yangdielu-elukan. Dengarlah rintihan dan ratapan. Derau suara dan pernyataan rasa. Dengarlah suara kami hamba-hambamu dan ketahuilah betapa kami mencintai kalian.

*dan kami pun tersenyum*

A Ballad

Let me apologize to begin with

(Dearly Beloved, are you listening?)
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
(I can't remember a word that you were saying)
For trying to be genuine is harder than it seems
(The space that's in between insane and insecure)
And somehow i got caught up in between...

------------------------------------------- If you're lost and alone, or sinking like a stone. Carry on...

We'll carry on.

When my time comes, forget the wrong that i've done.

(I won't explain or say I'm sorry.

I'm unashamed, I'm gonna show my scar.
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused.
If you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, you can find out firsthand what it's like to be me.
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse.
I'm just a man, I'm not a hero.
Just a boy, who had to sing this song.)

Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed

And though you're dead and gone believe me

Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty

Your memory will carry on.

Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest

-------------------------------- May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on...

If life ain't just a joke
(I'm not okay)
Then why are we laughing?
(I'm not okay)
If life ain't just a joke
(I'm not okay)
Then why am I dead?
(for the last time, take a good hard look!)
DEAD!

I'm not okay!

...She said, "Some days I feel like shit"

Some nights, I say "fuck it all"

Some nights I hold you close

 Some nights I pray a sign is gonna come to me

And some days I can't even trust myself...

It's killing me to see you this way 

Remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go. 

Let it go
Let's turn forever you and me

I just wanna feel real love feel the home that I live in

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back

Well tell her that I miss our little talks

Heaven is a place on earth with you
I need you like i need satisfaction

if only if only if only.

I'll wait for you, you know...

I'll wait so show me why you're strong. Ignore everybody else.
I got a love that keeps me waiting

...this is how i show my love...

Don't turn away from me

There's a limit to your love

What will become of me?

If I can't show my love to thee, there'll be none of me

Like a waterfall in slow motion

I don't know about my love. I don't know about my lovin' anymore.

All that i know is

I'm falling...

                    Falling...         

                                                             Falling...

                                                                         Falling..

                                                                                     

Might as well fall in.

There's a limit to your love...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----- A teenage vow in a parking lot -----

 +.-.+ "Till tonight do us part" +.-.+

this is not the end this is not the beginning
so Hum Hallelujah
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so Hum Hallelujah. 

I'm a stitch away from making it

so Hum Hallelujah

And a scar away from falling apart, apart

May your love never end and if you need a friend, 

There's a seat here along side me. 

Yeah, it's all alright.
I'm learning to walk again

I guess it's all alright.
I'm learning to talk again

I got nothing left inside of my chest but it's all alright.
Where do i begin....?
..
..
..
..

I believe in nothing, not in sin and not in God

I believe in nothing, not the end and not the start

I believe in nothing, but the beating of our hearts

I believe in nothing, but the truth in who we are

I'll wait for you, you know...

(random stuffs that got  me awake in the middle of the night. it's basically all the songs that i love.

thumbs up for those who can guess all of the titles to these lyrics)

09/04/2013

Terlalu banyak memikirkan soal hidup

Soal A soal B

Terlalu banyak membebani otak

Terlalu banyak mengkhawatirkan sesuatu yang tak seharusnya

Kalau memikirkan satu dua digit angka di atas kertas aku dikata haus

Kemudian ada lagi soal pergaulan

Soal impian yang belum dicapai

Hingga akhirnya berujung pada pilihan masa depan 

Hatiku berat memikirkan semua itu

Dan kalau dibicarakan yang ada aku memikirkan.

Saya capek. 

Jangan biarkan saya menderita,

tenggelam dalam penyesalan dan pengasihanian diri sendiri

FUBAR

i put my middle finger in the air sometimes

yelling how FUBAR this world is

this god forsaken wasteland called a life

it's all fucked up beyond all recognition.

kurang lebih bagaimana yang aneh satu ini membicarakan tentang diri sendiri

((Ketika baru dikembalikan narasi diri oleh BK yang dikumpulkan di awal tahun ajaran. Terlalu melebih-lebihkan bagian Tuhan. Dan waktu itu sedang masa RP, jadi isi pikiran semakin aneh adanya.))

Ketika kau melihat dunia dari kacamata seorang gadis berumur 15 tahun yang kerap kali memutuskan untuk duduk menyendiri di tengah keramaian kelas di bangku terkiri, 3 baris dari belakang, telingamu tak akan menangkap bisingnya suara yang mengalir keluar dari sela bibir teman-temanmu. Ah, dan berbicara mengenai kacamata, hal satu itu memang diungkapkan secara eksplisit, mengingat kau akan menjadi sama dengan buta ketika benda yang telah bertengger di atas hidungmu sepanjang hari tersebut diangkat begitu saja.

Kau tidak begitu suka mengandalkan penglihatanmu yang jelas buruk itu. Kau lebih memilih mendengarkan mereka, atau – yang sering kali kau lakukan - tenggelam dalam pikiranmu sendiri, dalam  ide-ide dan jalan cerita yang telah kau bangun sedemikian rupa. Ketika kau tak tahu harus melakukan apa, otakmu akan berputar, menampilkan kilasan-kilasan adegan tertentu, mengenai si ini yang memutuskan untuk mengejar si itu hingga si kematian si dia dan tangisan sang kekasih.

Potongan-potongan puzzle, jika kau ingin menyebutnya demikian. Bahkan, terkadang sebuah nama akan mengalir keluar dari sela bibirmu, atau bahkan sepotong ucapan dalam script yang telah kau rancang sedemikian rupa.

Kemudian kerap kali kau mendapati dirimu tenggelam di dalamnya.

Ketika kau terbangun hingga tertidur malamnya, dapat dipastikan hal-hal macam itu akan muncul dalam otakmu. Ide-ide baru yang kau tunggu-tunggu, ataupun adegan favoritmu. Ketika kau memiliki waktu, kau akan menuliskan semuanya dengan kata-kata yang indah, terkadang menyadari betapa rumitnya kata yang satu dan betapa buruknya pendeskripsianmu.

Sekolah merupakan tempat yang menyenangkan, namun tak lebih dari sekedar itu. Kau selalu merasa tak berada di tempat yang benar. Terkadang kau selalu merasa berbeda, namun toh kau suka itu. Baik dari namamu hingga lagu favorit dan jalan pikiranmu. Kau menyukai bagaimana kau menyukai sejarah dan orang lain mengetahui itu, kerap kali mengernyitkan dahi mereka setelahnya. Kau menyukai bagaimana orang-orang menganggap namamu – Tanus – tekesan unik, karena unik memanglah kepribadian yang menjelaskan dirimu. Kau menyukai bagaimana kau memiliki masa depan yang telah terpikirkan dengan terperinci, walaupun terkadang kau menyadari bahwa hal tersebut sama dengan ketidakmungkinan dirimu untuk memiliki hal macam petualangan.

Kau mencintai IPS. Sejarah dunia, terutama, dan mengarang pula. Bahasa juga merupakan hal yang kau sukai. Jerman yang sedang kau pelajari, Itali yang telah kau pelajari selama 2 tahun, Prancis yang dulu kau pelajari di SMP, dan bahasa Inggris yang telah mendarah daging.

Ketika kau pulang ke rumahmu yang sepi, kau menemukan bahwa laptop adalah sahabat baikmu setelah musik. Tak dapat dilepas dengan mudah, bahkan kau yakin keberadaannya melebihi hal macam kucing perliharaan yang berjiwa. Keterlaluan? Bagimu tak juga, karena laptop ini adalah jendela duniamu, memperlihatkanmu dunia-dunia yang lain, tempatmu menuliskan segala adegan tersebut dan yang terpenting, tempatmu bertemu sosok yang kau rasa memiliki pandangan yang sama.

Kau menyukai keheningan. Ralat. Kau lebih menyukai keheningan yang kau dapat di tengah keramaian. Keheningan telah biasa kau dapat, mengingat kedua orang tuamu akan kembali malamnya. Makan malam bersama dan bertukar cerita. Kau menyukai saat itu. Momen kecil yang terasa penting bagimu. Kau menyukai bagaimana hubunganmu dalam keluarga kecil ini sangatlah erat, kendati dirimu tak memiliki seseorang yang disebut kakak ataupun adik.

Dan jangan lupakan teman-temanmu, mereka-mereka yang bertukar kata denganmu tiap harinya. Jangan lupakan mereka yang tak pernah kau temui wajahnya namun kau pegang dengan erat keberadaannya. Jangan lupakan keluargamu yang hanya kau temui sebulan sekali, namun tiap detik pertemuannya terasa sangat berarti. Dan jangan lupakan Tuhanmu, kendati religiositas bukanlah aspek terbaikmu, namun toh kau tetap mempercayai Dia yang telah memberikan semua ini dalam hidupmu.

- ST

18/02/2013

it's raining outside. 

and the whole world is mocking me

or my mind that is

who's wont to people it with you.

evincing how much i yearn for you

ensnaring me with its grasps. 

i wish to enshrine those moments, 

when 'us' was not evanescent.

when 'us' was not ephemeral.

our little tête-à-tête

unequivocally yours
this utterly ridiculous embodiment of a soul.

10/2/2013

Aku kehilangan kata-kata, tak tahu ingin berbicara apa. Apa pun yang mengalir keluar dari sela bibir ini tampaknya tak mampu bersanding dengan milikmu. Kau dengan kata-kata indahmu. Kau dengan segala kemenakjubanmu. Segala keagungan. Entah pujian apa lagi yang bisa terucap. Karena memuji bukanlah keahlianku. Bukan memuji namun menghina. Ya, jika menghina diri sendiri aku ahlinya. Merendah di hadapan semua orang. Seorang pengecut yang patah hatinya karena satu dua kata. Yang hanya bisa bersembunyi di kolong meja dan menutup muka, meneteskan air mata setiap detiknya. Untuk segala perasaan yang tak terungkap. Segala perkataan yang tercekat di kerongkongan.

Lihatlah betapa mudahnya aku mengatai diri ini. Yang kuanggap tak ada baiknya. Parasku yang tak cantik dan kelakuanku yang tak rupawan. Sentuhanku yang tak lembut dan tatapanku yang tak menghanyutkan. Entah apa yang kau lihat.

Dan memang untukku, bukan? Kuanggap saja iya. Dan aku ingin bahwa itu adalah iya. Jika tidak biarkan aku menganggapnya iya. Tak peduli apa kata dunia, namun untuk detik ini, kau menyukaiku dan aku menyukaimu. Itu adalah fakta yang harus diketahui dunia. Biarkanlah mereka bersungut-sungut membaca kata cinta. Aku tak peduli. Mereka harus tahu itu. Kenyataan yang harus dijejalkan ke dalam otak mereka, ke dalam tenggorakan mereka. 

Aku adalah seorang penakut. Takut akan segala hal. Akan yang kurasakan, akan masa depan, akan perkataan orang. Aku takut jika semua ini hanya mimpi belaka. Jika ini mimpi aku tak ingin membuka mata. Jika ini adalah kebenaran, aku tak ingin bermimpi, karena tidak akan ada mimpi yang lebih indah dari ini. 

Dengarlah aku, dengan segala kekuranganku. Dengan segala kegilaanku. Segala kebodohanku. Aku yang ini. Segala hal tentangku. Segalanya tentangmu. Segala tentang kita.

Aku membaca berulang kali. Aku tahu dan menggigit bibir. Tersenyum dan tertawa. Aku tulis lagi di atas kertas. Hanya agar bisa kulirik berjuta kali. Aku tahu semuanya. Kau pun demikian. Semua hal yang teramat lucu, menurutku. Ketika kau tahu bahwa aku tahu. Sebaliknya aku pun tahu bahwa kau tahu. Seperti sandi, kau bilang. Aku setuju. Hanya kurang dibubuhi nama. Namun, toh tanpa itu seluruh dunia pun sudah tahu.

Ini semua hanay racauanku. Isi kepala dari seorang yang bodoh.

Pada akhirnya hanya ingin menyampaikan. Bahwa aku akan berdiri di sini menunggu. Bahwa aku tahu semuanya. Dan di tengah ketakutan ini, aku memutuskan untuk mempercayaimu seutuhnya.

7/2/2013

Dulu aku membenci cinta
Aku merutuk mereka yang menjadi hambanya
Memperlakukan mereka tak ubahnya penyandang kusta
Karena memang dahulu itulah yang kupikir bahwa cinta
tak lebih dari penyakit menahun yang hanya
bisa menggerogoti tubuh.
Bahkan tanpa ragu kusebut mereka yang diperbudaknya
perempuan jalang
Mereka dengan hidupnya yang menyedihkan, menangisi sesuatu seambigu cinta.

Lantas aku hanya bisa tertawa sekarang
Jangan ditanya seperti apa
karena toh semua orang pun tahu
Dan tetap aku menolak menyebut kata itu
menyangkal namun menerima
menyembunyikan namun membeberkan
Karena di saat yang sama rasanya menjijikkan
dan menyenangkan

Kau tak ubahnya sebilah pisau
perlahan menusuk relung hati
Atau macam sebuah jarum
yang menemukan jalannya menuju pembuluh nadi
bergerak perlahan dan menyayat
seluruh isi

Dan aku yang gila ini
menerima rasa sakit bagai sebuah kecupan
Jika sakit adalah afeksi
jika penderitaan adalah candu
aku tak ragu untuk menyebut diri gila

Tak pernah ragu semenjak hari itu kusebut kata cinta

Karena kata orang ada yang salah denganku
aku setuju
ada yang salah

Dan kamulah jawabannya

6/2/2013

Aku kangen sama kamu.

Aku ingin bertemu.

Dan mari kita bebicara layaknya orang gila.

Mari kita tertawa dan berceloteh.

Menukar jutaan kata.

Membicarakan hal bodoh.

Dan mendapati pikiran bertanya-tanya,

apakah lebih dari ini?

Itu pikiranku.

Entah dengan milikmu.

Jika aku berharap sama,

seorang jalangkah aku?

Ataukah seorang pemimpi yang tak tahu batas langit dan bumi?

Imajinasi berlebih, khayalan yang membuat satu gerakan tanganmu bak pertanda afeksi palsu.

Menaruh perasaan saja aku sudah merasa bak seorang perempuan jalang.

Seakan menjeratmu dalam kenyataan palsu ini.

4/2/2013

Aku mau tertawa melihat kamu. Dipaksa mau berucap tapi bibir ini terasa kelu. Padahal sudah jatuh dua temanku karena malu ini. Bahkan tak bisa dibilang malu berucap, karena bibir ini terkatup rapat.

Jari ini yang mengucapkan. Jari ini yang punya lidah. Namun apa saja yang punya lidah, semuanya tak punya keberanian.

Tinggal 'enter' saja rasanya berat.

Lantas ketika berani. Lantas ketika kata terucap, kau tak pernah menoleh. Barulah aku sadar mengapa bibir ini kelu tatkala hendak berucap.

Dan suara amat manis dari surga sana memenuhi udara.

"Kau bisu, cinta. Hingga akhir hayat pun yang bisu tak akan bersuara. Dan memang kamu terlahir bisu. Kepadanya kamu jelas bisu."

Padahal setelahnya berteriak pun aku bisa. Lantas kaulah yang tuli. Yang tak pernah mendengar kata-kataku.

Kau tak mendengar karena memang tak bisa. Kau tuli. Tuli. Tuli. Tuli.

Dan selang beberapa waktu lantaran kau bersuara. Mengejekku benar ketika aku mendengarnya. Mengejekku dengan suaramu yang kutunggu-tunggu.

Lantas kaukah yang tuli atau aku yang bisu?

Aku berjanji akan selalu tertawa ketika kau berbicara.

3/2/2013

Aku memikirkan kamu hari ini. Aku memikirkan kamu dan aku. Aku tak tahu siapa wanita yang berdiri di sisimu namun kurasa itu aku.

Anggaplah dia aku dan kalau bukan
panggilah dia 'aku'.

Aku berdiri di sampingmu. Jari berpaut. Iris merefleksikan bayangan masing-masing. Aku terlihat konyol. Kau pun juga. Dan aku sendiri mau muntah membayanginya.

Aku berdiri di sampingmu. Tangan berpaut seperti waktu itu.

(Tidak berpikir aku satu kali pun. Anggap lucu saja karena toh praktik lelucon. Tidak ada maksud. Modus itu kata yang tak ada definisinya di kamusku)

Saling bertatap mata.

(Menjijikkan. Seakan semua membeku dengan partikel bercahaya yang entah dari mana datangnya menghantui pandangan. Lagu kehidupan seakan berputar dan bahkan Tuhan dengan rendah hatinya menghentikan waktu dunia. Biar seluruh jagat menyaksikan kekonyolan aku dan kamu. Biar berbarengan semuanya tertawa nanti.

Tatapan matamu tidak lagi seperti manusia. Tatapan matamu seperti setan. Tatapan matamu seperti pencuri melihat dompet tebal. Tatapan mataku seperti gembel melihat sampah. Tatapan mataku seperti pengemis melihat macet di jalan.

Tatapan matamu dan aku tidak seperti orang normal. Dan kamu pernah bilang itu kepadaku. Berbeda)

Mengumbar afeksi palsu. Aku memamerkan dirimu dan kamu memamerkan aku.

(Biar gatal yang melihat. Menggaruk kepala dan menatap dengan mulut setengah terbuka. Biar seperti kemarin mereka semua. Bukan kita lagi yang bodoh tapi mereka)

Kedekatan yang menjijikkan. Kita mengumbar kenajisan bersama dan tertawa kencang-kencang dalam hati. Menertawai kita dan dunia.

Karena hari itu aku bodoh bersamamu.

Garmen dengan tulisan serupa yang menempel di atas kulit. Aku menghadiahimu itu untuk menertawai dunia. Dan kita mengenakannya seperti mereka yang melanggar kenajisan dan tak peduli karenanya.

Karena butuh satu hari kita mengatakan peduli setan pada dunia. Butuh satu kali kita menajisi dunia.

Aku menulis ini malam-malam.Tak kunjung pelupuk berat karena terpikir dirimu sekali lagi.

Alhasil hal konyol yang tertulis. Aku mengaku pada dunia dan kepada dirimu. Jika kamu tak pernah membaca bersyukurlah. Jika iya anggap saja ini lelucon.

(Kau bilang yang mengena yang mudah dipahami. Bagus seperti itu katamu. Kubuat mudah kalau begitu :

Aku terus kepikiran dirimu)

Saya Adalah Orang Bodoh

Saya merasa bodoh. Menulis lebih jauh rasanya tak sanggup. Karena yang tumpah ruah nantinya hanya kebodohan. Yang jari saya tarikan hanya kata-kata orang dungu.

Mimpi saya terlalu tinggi mungkin. Atau pemikiran saya yang terlalu sombong. Atau mungkin lidah saya yang tak tahu diri.

Saya tak tahu. Yang saya tahu hanya satu. Bahwa saya adalah seorang bodoh.

Saya berbohong bahwa saya tak suka membaca. Dari awal memang tak suka. Namun, lebih kepada kenyataan bahwa saya akan menyadari bahwa penulis kata-kata yang saya baca adalah seseorang yang jauh lebih hebat dari saya. Ketika saya menulis satu dua kata, mereka telah menulis satu kalimat.

Kata-kata mereka seindah langit. Bak ditulis oleh tangan Tuhan. Yang membaca hanya dapat tercengang dengan mulut terbuka.

Lantas jika perbandingannya adalah tulisan saya, mungkin milik saya telah berakhir di kali comberan. Terlalu menjijikkan untuk dilihat. Bahkan berada di hadapan saja baunya tak menyedapkan. Model yang berakhir di bawah sol sepatu orang.

Saya telah berbicara terlalu banyak.

Saya kan orang bodoh yang tak sanggup menulis lebih banyak lagi.

Ah, maafkan saya karena telah mencoreng mata kalian dengan kenajisan ini.

- ST

Desmond #5

Issex, Nottstrait 6. August 21st. 02.18 a.m.

Rufus picked me up later that night. Didn't know what keep him that long but knew that he must had his own reason. Rufus was something more of a family than butler. An uncle I supposed. Didn't smile much but showed more emotion and proved his existence and expediency numerous times. More than that of Father. Grateful for that.

Picked me up and brought me back to the number 6 house of Nottstrait. Nearly midnight by then. Got down and rang the bell, ignoring the outrage I would be given by Tim Fischer. Unfortunately no one answer. Thought that maybe they didn't come home, but I saw one of the light on the porch being lit whereas before we went to the restaurant it wasn't. Convinced that Tim Fischer was inside, I kept ringing the bell. My plan was to interrupt and ruin his beauty sleep. Payback? Some sort.

Kept ringing the bell yet no sign of acknowledgement. Tim Fischer was definitely one hell of a sleeper, having his ear shut-off from the entire world. What would happen if there was a fire? Couldn't imagine it. Death would be the answer, it seemed to be clear.

Had spent 30 minutes. Not going to give up. Rufus waited in the car. Had fallen asleep maybe. I am not. Just kept ringing and stood there until Tim Fischer came to the door and answered my call. He would know then how serious I was and how I was not easy to be defeated. Despite the fact that

Desmond #4

Issex Police Department. August 20th. 10.09 p.m.

You would not believe what had happened. This was rather humiliating and definitely an incident I would remember for my whole eternity. Tim Fischer was indeed a compelling fellow. With his ingenuity, he managed to execute such scheme. Incapacitated by his subtle demeanor, I had nothing else to do but yield to the disastrous exigency. What happen you ask? Believe me I would gladly enlighten your mind.

Figured that the number 6 house of Nottstrait was a simple, warm and cozy house. Didn't find the mess I was expecting, considering all stereotypical ingenious professor was a counterpart of the adjective 'disorganized'. Walked inside with suitcase and heart beating like mad. Spent some time sitting in the living-room. Tim Fischer quickly elude himself from me, seeming to be more interested in his tuxedo (kept saying that it looked ludicrous). The blonde man whom I knew as Aleks Ouwendjik (who had introduced himself to me a few minutes after I stepped inside the house) was busy enough to tell Tim Fischer that he looked perfect.

At this point, was wondering what kind of relation did the Ouwendjik had with Tim Fischer. Didn't mention that part to me in his introduction.

Told that they were supposed to be going away. Asked going where. A reservation at a restaurant, Ouwendjik said. Only the two of them, it was supposed to be. Tim Fischer added with a resenting tone that they had to bring me along now. Should have rolled my eyes with his words but instead felt excited. First dinner with biological father.

Few minutes later, had changed into the best clothing I had packed and propped behind their BMW. Tim Fischer was pouting along the road whereas Ouwendjik had asked me lots of question. Where did I come from, which school did I attend etc. Found myself a pretty good liar. Proud of it. Asked why I was interested  in Quantum Physics and told them this word, "Because Aunt Janina had mentioned so much about the ingenious Professor Tim Fischer that I wanted to be like him."

(Didn't get a reaction at all, unfortunately)

Tim Fischer had mentioned several time how my existence in that very car was not wanted but I put the resentment thought aside. Tolerating him I tried. Proved to be a wrong thing to do. Tim Fischer did check his e-mail and found the mail that I had forged. He just grunted and said something like, "We do need to keep him." At that part I was making an undistinguished "yes". Had imagined how the whole summer would be with the two of us.

Dinner was nice, although Ouwendjik really tried to lighten up the mood with words and questions. Tim Fischer just keep pouting and answer every single question as short as he could. Just a "yes" or a "no". Sometimes a "hm" followed by a nod. He was stiff indeed.

The story started here. After dinner he told Ouwendjik that he would take me elsewhere for a minute. Was really enthusiastic. Broad smile and eyes wide open. Told me to get inside the car so i did. Asked where were we going but he didn't answer. Thought that he was going to leave Ouwendjik behind. Truth that he didn't, for it was just a 10 minutes ride. Stopped in front of a police station. Getting curious by that time.

Told me to get down so I did. Took me inside and met one of the police with me asking hundreds of questions in my head before Tim Fischer himself said this sentence to the police officer.

"I got this kid named Damian who had seemed to be running away from home. I'll leave the boy in your care if that's all right."

At that point I yelled, telling him that I am not what he said I am. Yelled to the police officer too but it seemed to have worsen the circumstance. Got a few police officer then rushing towards me (that was my fault, for right that time I was ready to jump on Tim Fischer for no apparent reason. Didn't feel like punching him in the face but at the same time, it did feel like the best thing to do. Remembered that he was my biological father, had the word at the tip of my tongue but refused to use that ultimate weapon just yet. Not that desperate).

"I didn't run away, I am telling the truth," I said.

"How about if I called your aunt Janina then, Damian?" he said, reaching to his phone. Was taunting me indeed.

The right words were 'Cat got my tongue'. Lost at words. Looked down and felt defeated. Couldn't let him do that. A flaw in my plan I admitted with shame. Stupidity. How could I, Desmond Holzman-Lyon be this stupid? Should have come up with different excuses. Should have been more prepared. My plan was rudimentary. Said that he couldn't do it. The smile on his face resembled victory it made everything felt worse.

Remembered him saying "go home" before ruffling my hair and left. The police officer asked for Mother's or Father's phone number. Told them I got it covered so I called Rufus. They didn't believe me and wished to speak to Rufus by themselves. Didn't matter. Rufus was on my side, he wouldn't tell Mother about it. Had to wait for Rufus to pick me up though. Spent times sitting with nothing to do, so typing this journal I did.

Embarrassing, once again. How could I be this stupid. Overpowered and defeated by Tim Fischer. By my own biological father. This would not happen again. I would return to the house and proved that I would not easily be rid off. Would prove that to Tim Fischer. Since I couldn't win in ingenuity alone, I could win in ambition and spirit. The fight of a bedlamite. Not, the losing side.

Wish me luck.

-Des