Akhi Kali

Kalau kata sang kalender aku boleh mencinta, biarkanlah hati ini keluar dari sangkarnya
Walau hitungan jari ini perlahan habis di telunjuk yang terangkat,
Aku tak peduli walau realita terganti memori manis sesaat.

Karenanya kalau kata sang detik waktu aku boleh mencinta, biarkanlah jantung ini terikat pita dengan sebuket bunga
Walau langkahku ribuan berbeda dari miliknya,
Aku tak peduli walau jemari akan mengais angin asal mereka pernah terpaut dahulunya.

Oleh karena itu kalau kata sang batara kala aku boleh mencinta, biarkanlah untuk terakhir kali aku jatuh di dalamnya
Walau bara terbakar secepat hitamnya arang
Aku tak peduli karena sangkakala yang ini bunyinya paling kencang.

Jakarta, 18 Maret 2015

Aku Ingin

Dan ini adalah apa-apa saja yang ingin saya lakukan.

Aku ingin merasakan heroin. Aku ingin merasakan sensasi tatkala jantung berdegup lebih lambat, ketika mata terbuka lebar. Aku ingin merasakan dunia tanpa waktu. Aku ingin membunuh pikiranku. Aku ingin menapaki tanah orang mati. Aku ingin berdiri di atas peti matiku. Aku ingin memeluk batu nisanku. Aku ingin melayat diriku.

Aku ingin merasakan nikotin dalam paru-paru. Aku ingin merasakan gulungan kertas putih tersebut bertengger dengan nyaman di antara kedua jari. Aku ingin bercumbu dengan kematian. Aku ingin terlena dalam dirinya dengan tiap gerak bibir.

Aku ingin mencabut nyawa. Aku ingin mengukir dosa. Aku ingin membeli jalanku ke bawah. Aku ingin tahu kala jantung berhenti berdetak. Aku ingin tahu hangatnya kehampaan dan dinginnya api neraka. 

Aku ingin merasakan orgasme. Aku ingin merasakan pemberian Tuhan yang terindah. Aku ingin meludahi wajah-Nya dengan napsu duniawi kala lidahku memuji nama-Nya. Aku ingin hanyut dalam kemaksiatan. Aku ingin jadi pelacur yang menawarkan tubuhku untuk Setan. Aku ingin jadi mempelai-Nya. Aku ingin mencintai diri-Nya.

Aku ingin merasakan lobotomi. Aku ingin lari dari pikiranku. Aku ingin membunuh pribadiku. Aku ingin mewaraskan kegilaanku. Atau mungkin menggilakan kewarasanku. 

Aku ingin jadi seorang pendosa. 

Karena kita semua adalah satu dalam dosa.

Dan aku ingin jadi yang terbaik di antaranya.

- Jakarta, Februari 2015

The Perks of Being An Asian Daughter

From the very first glance of my face you could tell right away how Asian I am. It even bewildered me when someone said the exact opposite. I took it upon myself that whoever said otherwise had something going wrong with their eyes (because this particular eyes, yes, these two seemingly never-can-be-opened-eyes, are screaming Asian). Heck, my face screams Asian.

I've been raised in an asian family for my whole life. The asian custom is no stranger for me. And yes, the most magnificent moment of the year comes up every Februrary where you simply open your palm up and wait for money to rain. Yes, when my older relatives died we burn a lot of paper (a miniature house made of paper to be exact) because we believe it'll be brought to heaven alongside them. Yes, I even have a weird fashion of never wanting to sleep right in front of a door or a mirror. We're so superstitious, I've got to give you that.

Rich in culture is a word i'm definitely going to use. Damn proud about it, of course I am. We held on to that tradition generation after generation. Okay, got to admit though, that my biggest sin is not being able to talk chinese. My chinese limited to exactly these phrases only :

- "i can't speak chinese."
- "i'm an indonesian."
- "i don't know."
- "i don't understand."
- an even more polite way to say, "i don't understand." (Different versions of phrases just to express my stupidity to a native chinese, ain't it wonderful?)
- "what are you doing?"
- (in which i can only reply to) "i'm watching television" or "i'm doing my homework.
- numbers. (I'm pretty good at this. Proves to be useful whenever i want to buy anything)
- "how much does it cost?"
- and the most stupid conversations that my grandmother always holds with me every evening by the phone : "is your father home?" to which i can only reply: "not yet." Stupid is how i cannot say "yes he has" with Chinese, thus switching back to Indonesian instantly.

Being Asian, people quickly prejudiced us. Being Asian means you're smart. Being Asian means you're rich (in Jakarta I've heard that a lot). Being Asian means you're selfish (now this is so common. The general knowledge of people in Jakarta is how Chinese care only for their money and gaining profit). Being Asian means you're so good at certain subjects.

One thing that i can assure you is how such things aren't proved to be true. That and also the fact that i pissed us off.

01/02/2015

My sins to you, is something i could never forget.
I vow for you, perhaps. I promise in your name.

Perhaps.

I'm bad at promises.
But i'm so good at breaking one.

Darkness

The darkness stretched into eternity, leaving me alone in this barren wasteland called a life. Each day i waited for that light at the end of the tunnel but it simply never came.

I could never reach the light.

Or rather, the light had abandoned me.