Reagen

"Do you have someone in your mind? A person that you always think about everyday?"

I've known a person. He's not really a person, though. He's just a mere illusion. But i couldn't forget about him nonetheless.

I've been calling out his name in my head. Everyday. When i was talking with someone else. When i was doing my homework. When i was in the middle of the crowd. When i didn't have anything to do. Every time i close my eyes, ready to sleep. It had been always his name that echoed in my mind.

I've known him for 4 years. I never talked to him. He never talked to me. I've never met him. But i know everything about him. His story, his wishes, his dreams, his thoughts, his emotion. Everything. I know everything about him

It was strange. He wasn't even real. He was just a person in my head. A person i thought existed. A person that never existed either. A person that i knew too well.

And every time i always thought of calling his name.

"Hey, Reagen. Reagen!"

And he'll answered, "Why do you keep calling my name?"

And sometimes it would be like, "Reagen, what's wrong with you." or "Reagen, what happened?"

And that his name would be mention. Everytime. There's no such thing with my mind being empty. Because his names will always flooded my mind, filling each and every spaces

Do you love him?

No, it's a completely different thing. He's not a person i should love. He's just a person trapped in my mind. A person trying to get out. A person trying to be real. Or maybe i've thought about him as a real person. A person with history, a person with emotion, a person with a life.

But no, it's not like he's breaking his way out. It's more likely that he's becoming human like. Fragments of hopes and wishes and dreams are creating him. Fusing and take a form of a human.

So you make him?

I hate to say this. But yes, he's my creation. But it's not just fangirling. Trying to find his photos, drawing him, imagining things where he's real and connecting to you. No.

It's a completely different thing. But yes, i imagined him being real, but mere fangirling cannot be compared to this. This is more than that. You can forget about person that become your object of fangirling. But he cannot be forgotten easily.

I've known him for 4 years. And not a single day that i forgot about him. There is moment where i don't write. But he's still there.

Can you describe him?

No, i cannot. But i can tell you about the color of his eyes, the color of his hair, his appearence, his personality, but it's a different thing. It's different when you feel him yourself. I don't know whether others feel this way either.

I can vaguely see his face. It's like he was covered with mist. But each day i can see him clearer and clearer. 

I can slowly touch him. Everything about him became clearer each day. Just like i've said. It's like he's becoming real.

Maybe he's your alter ego. People said a character is a mirror of you. A character is someone you wanted to be.

No, i don't want to be him. It's the last thing i want.

But i don't know myself. Maybe he is a person deep inside me. Another side of me. Maybe. But i don't know. I don't feel it that way. He's just a troubled person with a conflict that i've created.

Can you lose him? Kill him, maybe?

I've never thought about that either. Maybe i could. But i've never try. All i could is torture him. But i never try to kill him. I don't want to lose him.

But then again, that question of yours. It really hit me. Maybe. Just maybe. I should. Throw him away. I don't really know. But maybe, it could be done.

Any other words? For him, maybe?

Words? That'll be ridiculous. I don't need to say anything, even to him. It's the last thing he needed. He has his own life. His own matters to think about.

But then again, i do have something to say.

I'm such an idiot.